Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women!!!

HER DAIRY

Day night, I thought he was acting
weird. We had made
plans to meet at a
cafe to have some coffee. I was
shopping with my friends
all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I
was a bit late,
but he made no
comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so
I suggested that
we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and
absent.I asked
him what was wrong - he said,
"Nothing."I asked him if
it was my fault
that he was upset. He said it had
nothing to do with me
and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved
him, he simply
smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his
behavior; I don't know
why he didn't say,
"I love u,too."When we got home I felt
as if I had lost
him, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat
there and watched TV.;
he seemed distant and absent.Finally I
decided to go to
bed. About 10
minutes later he came to bed. I decided
that I could not
take it anymore,
so I decided to confront him with the
situation but he
had fallen asleep.I
started crying and cried until I too
fell asleep. I
don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts
are with someone
else. My life is a
disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match
against Pakistan.
DAMN IT.

NOW that's called,
Simplicity of Men Vs Complexity of Women!!!

Insect in a mug of beer .........

Reactions:
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out

American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer

Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away

Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free

INDIAN:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani:
Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer. Relates the issue to Kashmir. Asks the Chinese for Military aid. Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

Hold my Beer

Another video .. It is hilarious

Somethings that Women can't do in public

Nice Video...
Non US Residents will not be able to see this, will try to upload the video into a different location later on.

ParkingTower

FedEx Shirt

Everybody wants to be a dog :)

Punjabi Rhymes

'Pussy cat Pussy cat, where have you been?'
'I have been to London to see the Queen'
'Pussy cat Pussy cat what did you there?'
'I frightened a little mouse under the chair!'

Punjabi Translation:
'Mano Billi, Mano Billi, kithe gai si?'
'Rani Ji nu milan main vilayat gai si'
'Ki chan chareya tu othe ja ke?'
'Ghar wapis aa gai main chuhe kha ke!'


II - Original
'Baa Baa Black sheep have you any wool?'
'Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full
One for the master, one for the dame, And one for the little boy who
lives down the lane.'

Punjabi Translation:
'Kali Bhed, Kali Bhed, hai kucch unn?'
'Haan bhai,Haan bhai, Tin pandan gin, Ek tere waste, ek teri woti lai
Ek us munde lai jehra khara raste'.


III - Original
Humphty Dumphty sat on a wall,
Humphty Dumphty had a great fall,
All the kings' horses, all the kings' men Couldn't put Humphty
Dumphty together again

Punjabi Translation:
Baba Karanil Singh baitha si Dukaan te'
Baba Karnail Singh diggya dhadam se,
Pind de log phir aa ke kehan lagge,
Baba Karnail Singh te gaya hun kaam se.

Rare talent ..

1752

See this calender of the month September from year 1752...

September 1752

S M Tu W Th F S
1 2 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

If you are in Unix try this out: At command prompt of any Unix ($), type: cal 9 1752 Surprised???? )
See the explanation for what you see.
Isn't the output queer?

A month with whole eleven days less?

This was the time England shifted from Roman Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar,

and the king of England ordered those 11 days to be wiped off the face of the month of September of 1752.

(What couldn't a King do in those days?!)

And yes, the workers worked for 11 days less, but got paid for the entire 30 days.

And that's how "Paid Leave" was born.

Which festival is this ?

Is it Krishna Janmastmi ?
Wrong !!!!

The correct answer is Raksha Bhandhan

Camels and Shadows - NGC Photograph

Black ones are shadows, white ones are the real camels… !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The snap has been taken from top.........

IT GodFathers

1) Tim Berners Lee -- Founder of the World Wide Web (WWW)

2) Bjarne Stroustrup, C++ Stroustrup called his new language 'C with Classes' and then 'new C'.Because of which the original C began to be called 'old C' which was considered insulting to the C community. At this time Rick Mascitti suggested the name C++ as a successor to C.

3) Michael Dell of Dell Computers

4) Larry Ellison of Oracle Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company.

5) James Gosling,and his project is now known as Java Originally called Oak by creator James Gosling, from the tree that stood outside his window, the programming team had to look for a substitute as there was no other language with the same name. Java was selected from a list of suggestions. It came from the name of the coffee that the programmers drank.

6) Bill Hewlett(L) and Dave Packard(R) of HP. Behind them in the picture is the famous HP Garage. Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
7) Ken Thompson (L)and Dennis Ritchie(R) ,creators of UNIX, B and C Dennis Ritchie improved on the B programming language and called it 'New B'.He later called it C. B was created by Ken Thompson as a revision of the Bon programming language (named after his wife Bonnie)
8) Larry Page(L) and Sergey Brin(R), founders of Google. Google was originally named 'Googol'. After founders (Stanford graduates) Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google' !

9) Gordon Moore(L) and Bob Noyce(R) ,founders of Intel Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

10) Andreas Bechtolsheim , Bill Joy, Scott Mc Nealy and Vinod Khosla of SUN(StanfordUniversity Network) MicroSystems Founded by four StanfordUniversity buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.

11) Linus Torvalds of Linux Operating System Linus Torvalds originally used the Minix OS on his system which he replaced by his OS. Hence the working name was Linux (Linus' Minix). He thought the name to be too egotistical and planned to name it Freax (free + freak + x). His friend Ari Lemmk encouraged Linus to upload it to a network so it could be easily downloaded. Ari gave Linus a directory called linux on his FTP server, as he did not like the name Freax. (Linus' parents named him after two-time Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling)

12) Steve Woznaik(sitting) and Steve Jobs of APPLE Computers Favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.

Google........ - Possible Expansions

Google Expansion - Possible Scenarios .... Check this link on Fark Forums

Awsome Advert

Push Up Bra

Old Indian Cartoons

Identify the 75 bands in ths pic

Difference between Man and Woman

Indian Mom

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian

Lessons in Life

Lesson In Life.....

A group of working adults got together to visit their University
lecturer. The lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned
into complaints about stress in work and life. The Lecturer just
smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some
porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some plain looking and some
looked rather expensive and exquisite. The Lecturer offered his former
students the cups to get drinks for themselves. When all the students
had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all
the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the
plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you only want the best
for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What
all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for
the better cups." "Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs,
money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to
hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change." "If we
only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy/taste the
water in it." "Faith gives us a new vision of the world. Without it we
see only the darker side of life. We are still slaves. It is faith
which liberates us and makes us see the Spirit of power and love at
work in our lives."
 
Have a great Time!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The boss

Scientists at the Rocket launching station in Thumba, were in the
habit of working for nearly 12 to 18 hours a day. There were about
Seventy such scientists working on a project. All the scientists were
really frustrated due to the pressure of work and the demands of their
boss but everyone was loyal to him and did not think of quitting the
job.

One day, one scientist came to his boss and told him - Sir, I have
promised to my children that I will take them to the exhibition going
on in our township. So I want to leave the office at 5 30 pm.

His boss replied - O K, , You are permitted to leave the office early
today.

The Scientist started working. He continued his work after lunch. As
usual he got involved to such an extent that he looked at his watch
when he felt he was close to completion.The time was 8.30 p.m

Suddenly he remembered of the promise he had given to his children.
He looked for his boss,,He was not there. Having told him in the
morning itself, he closed everything and left for home.

Deep within himself, he was feeling guilty for having disappointed
his children.

He reached home. Children were not there.His wife alone was sitting
in the hall and reading magazines. The situation was explosive, any
talk would boomerang on him.

His wife asked him - Would you like to have coffee or shall I
straight away serve dinner if you are hungry.

The man replied - If you would like to have coffee, i too will have
but what about Children???

Wife replied- You don't know - Your manager came at 5 15 p.m and has
taken the children to the exhibition.

What had really happened was

The boss who granted him permission was observing him working
seriously at 5.00 p.m. He thought to himself, this person will not
leave the work, but if he has promised his children they should enjoy
the visit to exhibition. So he took the lead in taking them to
exhibition

The boss does not have to do it everytime. But once it is done,
loyalty is established.

That is why all the scientists at Thumba continued to work under
their boss eventhough the stress was tremendous.

By the way , can you hazard a guess as to who the boss was????????

He was A P J Abdul Kalam.

Women !!!!

Never try to outsmart a woman!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his

money and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he

died he said to his wife, "When I die. I want you to take all my money

and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife

with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,

she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in

black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the

ceremony,

just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife

said,

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and the rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't

fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal

wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised

him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into

my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles

decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles'

bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an

ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my

father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went

home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother!

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand

how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh,

rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Wife Vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying

a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep,"

the wife replied, "in-laws."

Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women

use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason

has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

"What?"

Stupid And Beautiful

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so

Stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded,

"Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and

hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will

bring out the beast in me.

" So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of

a mouse?"

Coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew

the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The

husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do

it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies,

"No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the

man should do the coffee." Husband replies,

"I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at

The top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

Newspaper Rhyming Competition

Newspaper competition Enjoy......................

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.

Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face


Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Choclate Pics : Amazing

Bihari Language

This article has been written by a gentleman called
Tushar Vrind in the orkut community "The Bihari". A
superb read.

LE BALAIYA, ee ka hua? Kahe albalaye huye hain? Etna
narbhasane se kuchchho nahin hoga (Omigosh, what's
this? Why are you so flustered? Such nervousness won't
help matters.) The inveterate linguist may scream at
such an apparent contamination of Hindi language but
the average Bihari simply loves to throw all narrow
parameters of grammar to the winds. For them, the
funnier they are, the better their adaptability is
into their inimitable lingua franca.

Over the years, Biharis have invented a language,
which has an unmistakable stamp of their own. In
recent times, its popularity has travelled far and
wide beyond the borders of the State and many screen
heroes,including Amitabh Bachchan, have mouthed Bihari
liches with characteristic elan - a far cry from the
days when it was thought to be an infra dig of sorts
for anybody other than country bumpkins and unscrupulous
politicians to perpetrate such "verbal atrocities".

All that, however, is passe now. Bihari Boli is
sweeter than honey now Not only in Bollywood but also
on the campuses of prestigious universities and BITs
across the country. Words like harbaraye, garbaraye,
bargalaye, thartharaye and dhanmanaye which would have
sounded Greek tooutsiders earlier are being used with
gay abandon by the hep youngsters there.

Sobriquets laced with double entendres like "garda",
bawaal and dhuan denoting the varying degree of a
girl's beauty and sex appeal can be heardnot only in
Patna University colleges but also faraway Fergusson
College in Pune.

Moreover, a-go, dugo, teengo and chaartho type of
numerology which was a matter of disdain not long ago
is being accepted even by the stiff upper-lips without
any ualms. So, notes sarka do (pass on the
notes)","batti buta do (put out the lights)",
Principal ko harka do (bamboozle the principal),burbak
kahin ka (you stupid fellow!), hum to biga gaye(I was
thrown out) and Hum to huan thebe kiye the (I was very
much there) are some of the expressions which have
conveniently made their way into the otherwise
prim-and-propah St Stephens, New Delhi.

Similarly, coinages like dhakiyaye (shoved), mukiyaye
(punched), and latiyaye (kicked) are the current rage.
Hiyan (here), huan (there), kahe (why), enne (this
way) and onne (that way) are some of other typical
words, which are spoken rather nonchalantly by
so-called educated lot in the State.

One, therefore, does not get surprised if one hears
tanikke for little, nimman for good, anhar for
darkness and ejot for lights. For them, colloquial
language need not be tied to any narrow rules.
E topicwa par maatha khapane se kuchchho nahi
hoga(nothing is to come out of this topic), as one wit
commented. Among many characteristics of this language
are its terms fendearment. Seldom does one hear people
on the streets calling each other by their real names.
Raju automatically becomes Rajua, Pappu turns into
Pappua,Rajesh into Rajeshwa and Shatrughna at best
Satrohna. This potpourri of all Bihari dialects has
also coined new terms for human anatomy which would
baffle an FRCP if he were to land here straight from
Edinburgh. Here gor means legs, moori is substitute to
head, ongree is equivalent to finger, thor denotes
lips and kapar is synonymous with forehead.

This language also has more onomatopoeic words than
probably any other.
Words like tapak se, gapak se, and japak se can be
understood by Listening to their phonetical sounds. No
longer is Bihari language associated with a few
howlers like eskool (school)", teeshan (station) and
singal (signal) only. There are certain words which
carry the precise meaning but which cannot be properly
substituted by any word in other languages.Machchar
bhambhor liya is probably is one such example.
Bhambhorna is a super word, which means the collective
assault of mosquitoes to "bhambhor" you.
But then, one might argue, where else do you find so
many mosquitoes to bhambhor you. Right from Laloo
Prasad Yadav, who emerges as the best speaker of his
ghar ki boli to Shekhar Suman, everybody loves to
flaunt his native command of the language. Earlier,
Biharis were notorious for atrocious gender sense and
shoddy pronunciation. Now, the same traits have
become the tour de force of their conversation. The
time has certainly come to raise ekadhgo (one or two)
toast to
the longevity of the Bihari language.

"Teengo" cheers to that

Eye Worm .. (Slightly Gory)

Be very careful when u get caught with dust...as following pictures shows
the effects of bad dust to a person. While he was talking he felt an eye
irritation, thinking that it was just regular dust, he started to rub his
eye, in an effort to remove the dust.... then his eyes got really red, and
he went and bought some eye drops from a pharmacy....few
days passed and his eyes were still red and seems a little swollen.

Again he dismissed it as the constant rubbing and that it will go away. The
days go by the swelling of his eye got worse, redder and bigger....till he
decided to go and see a doctor for a check up. The doctor immediately
wanted an operation, being afraid of a tumor growth or cyst. At the
operation, what was thought to be a growth or cyst,
actually turned out to be a live worm..... what was thought initially to be
just mere dust actually was an insect's egg. If u do get caught dust, and
the pain persists, pls go, see a doctor immediately.......

Kindly share this with all those who you CARE......

The big and small things of life

A professor stood before his Philosophy class and had
some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill
it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and
poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the
open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured
it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from
under the table and poured the entire contents into
the jar, effectively filling the empty space between
the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided,
"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your
life.

"The golf balls are the important things - your God,
family, your children, your health, your friends, and
your favorite passions - things that if everything
else was lost and only they remained, your life would
still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like
your job, your house, and your car.

"The sand is everything else--the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he
continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the
golf balls.

"The same goes for life.
"If you spend all your time and energy on the small
stuff, you will never have room for the things that
are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness.

Play with your children.

"Take time to get medical checkups.

"Take your partner out to dinner.

"There will always be time to clean the house and fix
the disposal.

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that
really matter.

"Set your priorities.

"The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what
the coffee represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your
life may seem,there's always room for a cup of coffee
with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about.

I JUST DID.

Problems and Solutions

The Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions

Case 1

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil!

Case 2

One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soapbox that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly! line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems; always focus on solutions & not on problems.

Yahoo !!!!

Please read this message carefully ......which was been sent by Yahoo president Jay Rusell...... This is Yahoo President Jay Russell, I am sorry to announce that Yahoo has reached its maximum number of accounts two million. If you would like to keep your account for free send this to everyone on your list. This way we can know which accounts are being used and which accounts we can delete. Send this within 8 days and your account will remain free. Once again I am sincerely sorry that I have to do this. Please start sending. Jay Russell, Yahoo Management Renee: WHOEVER DOESN'T SEND THIS MESSAGE YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DEACTIVATED AND IT WILL COST $10.00 A MONTH TO USE IT! TO SEND 2 EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST, RIGHT CLICK ON YOUR GROUP and say send to all

The affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."

Joke of the day
A little boy was doing his maths homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of bitch is seven. Three plus six, the son of bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four ...... :)

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan
removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.

A. Tarzan asked "Why"? The animals told him Your tail is in the
front"
Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a dayas I
have advised?
A. Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day

Q. Last but not least Secret of long life
A. Morning two eggs, evening two pegs......and night two legs

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.

Engineers !!!

A boy goes to shop and purchases a big book.

He takes the book to a medical student and asks him how much time will he take to finish the book.

The Medical guy says 6 month's minimum...

Then he goes to a law student and asks the same question, he says minimum 3 months.

Then he goes to an engineer and asks the same question.

How much time will you take to finish the book !

The engineer asks, "Exam kab hai...!?!"

Love and Marriage - Plato

One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?
"His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk
forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk If you find the
most magnificent stalk, then you have found love." Plato walked forward,
and before long, he returned with empty hands, having picked nothing.

His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?"
Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not
turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if
there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further,
the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so! I did
not pick any in the end. His teacher then said, "And that is love."

On another day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can IFind it?"

His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk
forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find
the tallest tree, then you have found marriage". Plato
walked forward, and before long, He returned with a tree. The tree was
not bad, and it was not tall either. It was only an ordinary tree, not the
best but just a good tree. His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an
ordinary tree?"

Plato answered, "Because of my previous experience. I had walked
through the field, but returned with empty hands. This time, I saw this tree,
and I felt that it was the first good tree that I saw, so I chopped it down
and brought it back. I did not want to miss the opportunity."

His teacher then said, "And that is marriage. You see son Love is the
most beautiful thing to happen to a person, its an opportunity but you
don't realise its worth when you have it but only when its gone like the field
of stalks. Marriage like the tree you chopped, it's a compromise; you pick
the first best thing you see and learn to live a happy life with it."

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a
face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for
a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

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STUPID!! WILL DO EVERYTHING THAT IS SAID